My first session was really just a lot of questions and info. Ryan (my therapist) mostly just asked me questions about myself and diagnosed me. He officially diagnosed me with minor depression based on the answers I gave, which only made me feel relieved that I knew what was going on, but also weird since it was only minor. I thought that if it’s just minor, I should just be dealing with it like everyone else. Whether Ryan sensed this or not, he did assure me that he doesn’t really worry too much about official diagnoses and just needed it mostly for insurance purposes. We also talked about IFS and he introduced the core concepts (if you haven’t read it or just need a refresher about my introduction, here is a link to a basic intro to IFS).

The next week we started. I was still scared. My mind kept thinking that therapy was for crazy people and people who can’t take care of themselves. Did that mean that I was crazy or just couldn’t handle everyday life? I considered just stopping right then and there, but another part of me urged me on because it was the right thing for me.

When we both got into the online call, Ryan asked me how I was doing. I told him I was okay, which might have been a lie (it was 2 years ago, so I don’t remember a lot of the details). We talked some about how the session would go and both of our roles in it. I always had it in my head that therapy was one-sided: I’d talk about something that happened and he would ask me how I felt about it. We’d go back and forth until all my problems were solved/all my feelings were out, but he was describing something collaborative. He’d be my guide while I learn to lead myself and heal my hurt parts. It seemed a bit strange, but even before I knew about IFS I hadn’t been feeling in control of my actions, so I was willing to give it a shot.

We started by doing what Ryan called a “full body scan.” He asked me to notice anything from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and notice any feelings that stick out. I imagined a green bar start scanning the top of my head and slowly moving down. First, I noticed some tingly feeling on the top of my head. As I went down, I noticed that my hands were very fidgety. Intertwining and constantly moving. It’s something I’m used to and did all the time, so I never paid it much mind normally unless I was with people, in which case I’d always try to stop it to avoid being seen as weird or fidgety. I told him as such, and he asked me to focus on it.

To make it easier to follow the session from here, I will be using a sort of “script” to describe how it went. There are a lot more pauses here since sometimes my parts take a while to speak, but to keep the flow I won’t mention them unless they’re important. Also, I don’t remember the specifics of what exactly was said, but the session went something like this:

Ryan: How do you feel toward the fidgeting in your fingers?

Me: I don’t like it. I want to stop fidgeting.

Ryan: It’s okay to keep fidgeting, but focus on that feeling of not liking it. How do you notice it?

Me: It’s just a feeling.

Ryan: Okay, how do you feel toward that feeling?

Me: I feel thankful for this feeling. It helps me stop fidgeting around when other people are around.

Ryan: Good. Ask it what it thinks will happen if you fidget.

Me: It said it’s worried about being judged for fidgeting. It’s worried other people will think I’m weird or childish for fidgeting.

Ryan: How old does this part think you are?

Me: Twelve years old.

Ryan: Can you tell him how old you are now?

Me: I told him and he seemed surprised. He didn’t know I was that old.

Ryan: Good, feel free to show him some memories of growing up if you’d like. *pause* Now, if you were able to get this other part to stop you from fidgeting, what’s the worst thing that would happen?

Me: It said the worst thing that could happen is not being seen as professional at work and being talked about behind my back for being fidgety.

Ryan: Ask the part how it would feel if you didn’t have to fidget.

Me: He said he doesn’t think that is possible, but it would be nice for this part.

Ryan: Good. Let him know we can do that, and we can go there with his permission.

Me: It said it would like that.

Ryan: Okay great. Ask him to step back and get comfortable. Now try to focus on the fidgeting. We don’t have much time left, but we can at least make contact.

From there, we met with the fidgety part. To me, he looked like a very pale and anxious version of myself. I introduced myself but we weren’t able to get to much more. I had a feeling come up that not much happened, but Ryan assured me these things take time and going slow will make the process go faster because going too fast could affect my system.

After this first session, I did feel a bit weird about it. I felt foolish to focus on something like fidgeting. I still had it in my mind that therapy was only to help with major traumas, so I felt stupid for focusing on something as silly as fidgeting. Ryan was nice about it and assured me it’s part of the process, and the trail toward healing traumatized parts would require working with the surface-level protectors first.

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So that’s about how a typical IFS session goes. We discuss an issue I had or am having, we meet with that part, and ask it a number of questions. It goes slow at first (though Ryan was surprised at how quickly we started doing Self work), but it does start to go a bit faster the more you get used to it. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!