The next session started similarly to the previous session. Ryan asked me how I was feeling that week and I told him. I may have just said I was good or fine because I wasn’t totally comfortable with saying how I truly felt yet. But if I remember, that time was really difficult for me. COVID had kept everyone indoors for nearly two years, and though I’m pretty introverted and loved late night gaming, my mental health was at the lowest it had been since my junior year of college (which I will get into in a later session). I was listening to my “sad boy hours” music, like Empty by Olivia O’Brien, Numb Little Bug by Em Beihold, the album Manic by Halsey, and the entire album of After Laughter by Paramore. It really was so much about feeling sad; I didn’t feel anything.

I hadn’t yet told Ryan how I was truly feeling because I had a part that didn’t want to burden others with my problems and I had a few other parts that felt my problems were trivial to others; I was just weak. Honestly, even typing this now I feel that part in the back of my mind, telling me this is such a stupid thing to talk about. No one cares, it’s just fidgeting, just move on. But now I know that part is just trying to protect me from criticism from others, and I may get that still, but I can handle it if that winds up being the case.

Moving back to the session, Ryan again asked me to do a full body scan. Thinking back, it was most likely the exact reason I said above (being too scared to say how I truly felt) that he asked me to do that again. It was a similar result as the week prior: a strange sensation on the top of my head, pressure in my chest, and fidgety hands. He always assured me that I was in charge and I could choose what to do, but he recommended we check back in on the part that didn’t like the fidgeting and I agreed.

I didn’t mention this in last week’s post, but I always take a meditative stance and close my eyes when I’m doing internal work. I don’t think everyone does this, but it works for me. It helps me focus better, especially since my parts a lot of the time oftentimes come to me as a person in my mind, so I can communicate better. This isn’t always the case, but it tends to be.

Ryan: Is this part with you now?

Me: I think so. (I would later find out I had a part that lacked confidence in my work, so he would make my answers more vague to feign ignorance if it was ever brought up)

Ryan: How do you notice it?

Me: I think I see him. He looks like me but very professional. He has a gray suit on and a briefcase.

Ryan: Good. How do you feel towards him?

Me: I’m having mixed feelings. Like I want to feel thankful for him, but I feel annoyed at him.

Ryan: Okay, let’s focus on that for a moment. How do you notice it?

Me: It’s a feeling, I’m annoyed at him for halting our progress.

I also noticed him as the version of the Flash with a silver helmet but felt uncomfortable saying that since it felt embarrassing since it was nerdy. Ryan does assure me it’s okay to not say something if a part feels uncomfortable.

Ryan: Why is this part annoyed?

Me: He wants to push forward, and this other part popping up slowed our progress.

Ryan: Can you let him know that this is part of the process, and going slow is fast in this case?We never want to push past a part without permission.

Me: Okay. He said he doesn’t like getting interrupted but does understand.

Ryan: How do you feel towards him now?

Me: I feel thankful for him. I appreciate that he wants us to stay on task.

Ryan: Good. Is there anything else he needs before we go back to the business-like part?

Me: No, he said that’s it.

Ryan guided me back to the business-like part who didn’t like that I fidgeted. We didn’t have much time left, so Ryan just asked me how I felt toward him, and I did feel thankful this time since he has just tried to help keep me appearing professional in the workplace. We made a commitment to go back to the business part and the fidgety part again for the next session.

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In this session I learned about “pushers” who are parts in both patients and therapists who push you to move forward, even if you or your parts aren’t ready. It’s really easy to want to just set pushers to the side, but addressing them is a good thing so they don’t push as much because in my experience they do affect my ability to focus and stay in Self. So while I did have the feeling I accomplished very little that session, it was still valuable to learn about and interact with a pushy part.