The week after I struggled with fidgeting, constantly starting and stopping fidgeting while at work during meetings. I felt self-conscious about it because at the time I was the youngest by a lot in the group I was working with so I worried they’d view me as childish for fidgeting at work. It was even mentioned once, though it was more of an observation that I couldn’t sit still than a criticism.

When I sat down with Ryan, I talked about feeling childish again for my fidgeting, especially since it was mentioned. We decided we would head back to the business-like part and help him so we could continue onto my fidgety part.

Ryan: Is the professional part with you now?

Me: Yes.

Ryan: How do you notice him?

Me: I notice him as a feeling that wants me to stop fidgeting with my hands. I also see him.

Ryan: Good. How close is he to you?

This was the first time he asked me that, so I was taken by surprise. I wasn’t quite sure what he meant at first, but I assumed it had to do with how far away he appeared to be in my mind, which was just conversational distance away.

Me: He’s not too far, just a few feet.

Ryan: And how do you feel toward him?

Me: I feel thankful for him. I know he’s just trying to protect me from judgment from others.

Ryan: That’s great. In whatever way feels natural to you, try to send him all that thanks and positive feeling.

For me, this took the form of sending out my positive feelings through my right hand. I even placed my physical hand on my desk because it helped me visualize it better. I saw some green light travel from my hand to him.

Ryan: How is he reacting?

Me: He seems to be a little less stiff.

Ryan: Good. Ask him if he wants us to know anything or if he needs from us before we go to the fidgety part.

Me: He said he doesn’t like how the fidgety part is seen by others. He doesn’t want to let the fidgety part out.

Ryan: Ask him what it would be like if we were able to help this fidgety part not be so fidgety. Also, ask him what he would do if he didn’t have to suppress this fidgety part.

Me: He says it would be more relaxing for him, and he would be able to focus more on what he wants to do, which is helping me with professional relationships.

Ryan: Let him know we can do that as long as he gives us permission.

Me: He said he’s okay with that.

Ryan: Great. Now, are you noticing the part that fidgets?

Me: Yes, it’s in my hands and I’m currently fidgeting.

Ryan: How do you feel toward the fidgeting?

Me: I want to help it and know more about it.

Ryan: That’s great. Really try to send those feelings toward him to let him know you want to help him.

Me: Okay. He seems to be getting a little closer, though he seems cautious.

Ryan: Can you ask him why he’s cautious?

Me: He said he is worried about the professional part pushing him down.

Ryan: That’s okay, he can take his time, but let him know the professional part said he was willing to let us meet with him and wouldn’t interfere.

The fidgety part then was more open and walked closer. He seemed like a frightened and jumpy teenager and constantly moved his fingers.

Me: Okay, he’s closer now and more willing to talk.

Ryan: Do you want to start by asking him why he fidgets so much?

Me: He said he does it because it makes me more aware of what I’m saying and slows me down. There’s another part that was hurt because I wouldn’t think about what I was saying, and that would get me into some trouble. So by fidgeting, it would slow me down because it helped keep me in the moment.

Ryan: I’m really thankful for this part for sharing that with us and trying to protect you.

Me: Me too.

Ryan: Can you ask it if it likes doing this?

Me: He said he doesn’t like to do this but feels like he has to.

Ryan: Ask him what it would be like if he didn’t feel like he had to fidget.

Me: He said it would be great and would allow him to relax more, and he could advise me in social situations when needed.

Ryan: Tell him we can do that and meet with this hurt part as long as we have his permission.

Me: He said he would like that.

Ryan: Great. Thank him for being so open with us, then turn your focus back to the outside world.

After this, Ryan told me we found our first “trailhead”, which is our first contact with a part trying to protect an exile. He said if we continue down this trailhead, we should be able to help the part that is hurting so it isn’t hurting anymore. He did mention it was likely we’d have to meet with more parts first though, since if we moved past other protectors, it could affect my entire system.

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This session actually took place over 2 sessions, but as I was writing it didn’t feel right to just end it abruptly so I decided to just continue. This was both exciting and scary that I was finally starting a trailhead to getting to one of my exile parts. As you’ll see, there’s still a lot to go before I could meet with my aptly named “hurt part”, but it’s worth it. I know it was worth it for me.