So, I’ve found this one to be a difficult one to write for some reason. I was also very focused on my novel, so this little project fell by the wayside for far too long. I am hoping to get back into doing this more often and promoting it so people actually see it. What will make this easier for me is I have started journaling my recent therapy sessions so that should help when I finally catch up. Before I do catch up though, I will just be going on memory so I may have to make some things up to make my IFS story flow (won’t be lying of course, may just be more guessing on the specifics! I’ll call those parts out when I do).

I do hope to eventually grow this into a small community, and I hope these are my first steps in doing so.

So, I don’t remember much of what happened in the weeks follow the last session I talked about. For the most part, everything seemed okay. I know I spent one session just talking and not doing any actual inside work which happens sometimes. At first, I felt odd about it, but Ryan assured me that it’s okay and normal. Other than that, I do remember the business-like part from before still noticed my fidgetiness, but I was able to help him calm down both the fidgeting and the negative feelings he had toward the parts that fidgeted.

I didn’t notice any new parts show up until Kagetsu. He, in my mind, is the first significant part I met after starting IFS. The others were important sure, but I found Kagetsu difficult to get in touch with, and his method of protecting me hurt a lot more than any of the others I had met until that point. I’ll go into meeting him for the first time in my next post, but for this post I wanted to talk about when I first felt Kagetsu after starting IFS. Normally, I won’t do this for most of my parts, but I feel this is something a lot of people could relate to so I wanted to share.

I may have mentioned this before, but I started my first and current office job at the height of the COVID pandemic. Everyone was work from home, and most of us didn’t use cameras, so I never really met anyone I worked with. As things started to get better, I got to know some of my coworkers and would meet them outside of work on occasion.

One night, I went out to dinner then ice cream with my new work friends. They’re both a few years older than me in terms of age and maturity. Not to say I am/was immature, but the way I act and talk can come off as youthful/naïve. We had a pretty good time the whole night. Plenty of laughs and a few deeper conversations sprinkled in. A few awkward pauses here and there, but the conversation always picked back up. I didn’t want the night to end, but I had to get home earlier than the others for some reason,

Once I started driving, I started feeling it. This feeling that my friends were talking about me. I could hear them in my mind saying things like “He’s so awkward” or “That thing he said was weird” or “He’s so childish.” I worried they thought I was some weirdo and they felt obligated to invite me.

I began to panic, and I believed I was the reason for all the awkward pauses. I was the who said something wrong, and I was too young to be hanging out with these guys. It felt so wrong. While I didn’t know them well at that point, I knew they were still nice guys and wouldn’t do that. Yet the feeling that I didn’t belong continued. I felt like I was an “other” and thought they would have had a better time without me.

The feeling did pass by the time I got home and into bed, but it continued to tug at the back of my head throughout the week. My therapist assured me those feelings were just a part trying to protect me. That’s the thing I now always try to remember about parts. Sure they can hurt me, but I know they are doing it from somewhere to protect another part somewhere inside me. When I met Kagetsu, he was difficult to deal with and didn’t want to even talk to me at first. But as he revealed his reasoning for things, it makes a whole lot of sense why he protected me, and I’m very grateful for him for what he did. Since working with him, he has become an important part of my system, and I’m looking forward to telling you about the process of working with him in my next post.